Is this man a Pratt?

This young man is indeed a Pratt. His name is David Pratt and he has just been given the honour of the fastest red card in actual play in football history. He was sent off after three seconds of play. I love my football and on occasions I have been known to get a little over enthusiastic on the field of play but this will take some beating as did some of the referees that are mentioned at the bottom of this post.

It reminds me of when I used to play for a local football team whilst I was still a Chef and a relatively fit young man. That is if you call a young man who once got dropped from the the team because I was drinking cans of beer whilst leaning against the post when my side was encamped in the opposition half. I had just been given the goalkeepers jersey after the other fair weather keeper had 'Tore a Stocking' in mid-week training. We were thrashing the opposition and the score was 5 nil after only about 25 minutes. I just happen to have a six pack in my goal keeping carrier bag that was on the floor in the back of the net. I popped open a can and started to enjoy the delights of a coldie. One thing lead to another and I opened another of the cans.

Meanwhile our team was still in the opposition half and I was still propped up against the left hand post when for some reason one of my side back passed to me from deep in the opponents half and one of the opposition was in hot pursuit of the ball. What happened next was a something you might see in a Laurel & Hardy film. I was just taking a slurp of my beer when I was shouted at and looked up in surprise to see the ball and the advancing player bearing down on my goal. I had the can in my right hand and was still leaning against the left hand post when I realised that the ball was travelling in the general direction of the right hand goal post and might just end up in the net if I did not do something about it.

A split second of panic was replaced with a burst of frantic action as I raced out to meet the oncoming player and the ball. With the beer can firmly gripped by my right hand as I did not want to spill my beer, I ran out to kick the oncoming ball up field. The ground in the goal was full of mud as was normal for that time of year and as I swung my right leg at the ball my standing left leg slipped on the mud and the ball shot under my foot and I went down in a heap with the opposition player. I landed on top of him and the ball got stuck in the mud about 6 feet from the goal line.

We both grappled with each other as we frantically tried to get up and reach the ball. Neck and neck we raced to the ball and he lunged forward with his foot at the same time as I dived headfirst through the mud. I just managed to get to the ball first and divert the ball out of play with my left hand via the base of the post. whilst at the same time both of us ending in the back of the net in a crumpled heap and covered in mud.

As I was getting up from the floor I noticed the manager on the sidelines throwing a wobbler and he started screaming all sorts at me. I thought that was a tad bit over the top as no harm was done and they did not score from the ensuing corner. The real good news was that I did not drop my can of beer although I did manage to get some mud inside the can. This I only found out later when the ball was cleared up field and the normal business of pummeling the opposition out of sight resumed. I had to drink the remains of the beer through gritted teeth but it was to be expected when your can is full of mud.

The game finished and it was a total massacre an we beat the opposition 12 nil. Later in the dressing room after a wonderful hot shower and a few more beers the manager came up to me and started having another go at me. He ranted and raved and then told me I was dropped from the team. There is no pleasing some folk is there. We have just ended a loosing streak, two badly needed points in the bag, a right walloping of the opposition, team spirits lifted and he wants to drop me. Some people take the local Saturday morning football league matches a bit too serious if you ask me. Just like another gentleman from a team that we used to play against. The gentleman in question was not a full shilling and also came from an area

"Where the men where men and the sheep were pregnant"

He unlike the gentleman above who has the dubious honour of being the fastest sending off in history was as far as I know possibly the only non-league player at the time to have a world wide life time ban from football handed to him by the footballing authority's. He was a little quick with his temper as well as his fists and had knocked out 2 referees and a few other players during matches. I always did wander why one or two of our players seem to develop a sore knee or a bad back just before we were due to play the team he played for.

He once got sent off whilst still serving a ban for a previous sending off. He came into our dressing room after the match and asked one of our younger players who he thought was their "Man Of The Match'. The words were out of the young boys mouth before we had time to act and he said it was the player that had been sent off in the match. It was true the lad that got sent of was their 'Man Of The Match' but the lad with the short temper and the the quick fists thought the young lad was 'Extracting The Urine' and started a punch up and soon the whole dressing room was involved.

Such was the joys of Non league football.

I do miss the fun and games.